It’s that time again! The day we vote on the worst-dressed at the US Open! I’m all tingly with excitement.
I should note that as I’m selecting my nominees, I’m dressed in old baggy boot-cut jeans, a shapeless red shirt and purple sneakers:
Yup, blogging isn’t all glamour, folks. If I played at the Open, I’d be nominee #1 for this blog.
Instead, we have these three worthy candidates.
Nominee 1: Coco Gauff
I can hear you all now: “What kind of monster nominates a 15-year-old girl for a worst-dressed list?!”
Fair point, and I have no real excuse other than maintaining the integrity of the blog.
Look, I love Coco as much as anyone. Her poise and court sense astonish me. At age 15, I couldn’t walk into my high school cafeteria with as much confidence as this girl showed in front of thousands in Ashe Stadium.
Despite that inner maturity, Gauff is still a girl, and she is way too young for this getup. My grandmother would be way too young for this getup. The American phenom deserves so much better. Shame on New Balance for outfitting her in these sad, drab duds.
Nominee 2: Naomi Osaka
“Oh, get this. Now she’s nominating the woman who gave the world a master class in grace and sportsmanship! What the hell is wrong with this blogger?”
Yeah, I hear you. I, too, was moved by the empathy and kindness Osaka showed Gauff after their match. (Look at her, applauding Gauff’s shot. What a class act.) And I really liked the orange half-zip top of this dress.
But then Osaka turned around to comfort Gauff…
What unholy mess is this? We’ve got layers and pleats of various sizes and cut-outs and some sort of mini-cape flapping around. Honestly, it looks like something Stella McCartney would have designed for Caroline Wozniacki.
But it’s not Stella. It’s Nike thinking outside the box again. I’m really losing my faith in this brand.
Nominee 3: US Open Ball People
“OMG, she’s picking on the poor ball kids now?! Where’s the unsubscribe button on this damn blog?”
First, they’re ball people, not ball kids. Many of them are over age 18. (Remember when Kramer tried out to be a ball boy?)
Second, Ralph Lauren is the real target here. He designed these butt-ugly shirts. You probably knew that already by the oversized polo logo.
Of course, the people sitting in the uppermost bleachers of Ashe can’t be expected to make out that logo, so Ralph thoughtfully enlarged it on the back:
That’s just tacky. Perhaps not as tacky as a red shirt, blue jeans and purple sneakers, but it’s close.
We have only two poll questions for this final Slam fashion blog of the year. 😢