Late again. But to make it up to you, we have two polls!
A couple of people suggested Naomi Osaka for inclusion on this week’s worst-dressed list, and while I can’t disagree, I also can’t pile on the poor girl. She’s clearly having a rough time adjusting to the expectations that come with being a champion. My heart went out to her when she was crying in her interview after her third-round loss.
So to demonstrate our compassion, let’s pile on other people and see if we can make them cry instead.
Nominee #1: Evgeny Donskoy
Believe it or not, this was the best photo of the Russian player available on Getty, which got me to wondering: Which is more depressing—to land on a blog’s worst-dressed list or to make so little impact in a tournament that you merit only four images on Getty?
I’m not a fan of red shorts, and pairing them with a matching red shirt doesn’t improve matters. Actually, now that I think about it, Donskoy’s probably relieved there’s scant evidence of him in this Babolat getup.
Nominee #2: Ugo Humbert
There’s an older gentleman in my neighborhood who takes his morning constitutional in the same outfit every day. Off-white trousers, light tan checked button-down, off-white newsboy cap squarely on his head. He’s very cute, puttering along with his small determined steps, but he always looks like he’s been dredged in unbleached flour.
If he played tennis, no doubt he’d opt for this beige-on-beige combo by Wilson. (Have you ever wondered why Wilson isn’t a bigger player in tennis apparel? Wonder no more.)
Nominee #3: Diego Schwartzman
You know how Tennis Warehouse is always out of the color sneakers you want? Almost invariably, when I go to buy, the only shoes left are maroon with purple stripes. If, by chance, there are any shoes in a normal color left, they’re available only in size 2 or 14EEE.
I mention that by way of explaining why my tennis buddy Lori showed up on court recently with these atrocities tied on her feet:
Adidas calls these shoes “Ubersonic Citified.” (I’m no fashion expert, but I believe “citified” is industry jargon for making clothes too ugly to be stolen.)
Up until this week, I was confident Lori owned the world’s most heinous tennis shoes, but it turns out Fila’s also jumping on the fugly footwear bandwagon. Schwartzman looks like he puked Yoo-hoo all over his shoes. And what’s with the random I-really-need-to-do-laundry outfit? (Hey, I’ve been there with the laundry problem. I’d say “no judgment,” but what else is this column but judging, even if hypocritically?)
So there you have it—tennis’s final fashion fiascos of 2021. Thank you to all the tennis sportswear brands for consistently providing fodder for everyone’s favorite face-off.
And MANY thanks to Lori for being such a good sport!!!
Love the snark, and also the generosity in not piling on. It is hard to be both virtuous and cruel in one fell swoop, but you are so talented that you did it!
Is it cruel if nobody cried?
As always, you make me laugh out loud! I needed a “too close to call” option for the first poll, too. Those checked shorts were my final choice (with the awful shoes), but I really wanted to also vote for the beige on beige too. When I first saw the Babolat, I was sure that would win the poll. You were smart to start with that. After seeing the other 2, the Babolat isn’t all that bad. How sad is that?!
I can’t give a too close to call option on the main face-offs or we’d never get a winner. I agree about the Babolat looking better in the end. I would probably like it on another color. Like dark gray. Or navy. It’s the red that’s the problem.
Haha. This is so funny. The picture actually makes my shoes look cuter than they are. They are much uglier in person. Diego’s shoes are pretty awful too but I think his shorts are kind of cute!
I agree—the photo doesn’t do justice to your shoes. They really are awful. But on the bright side, you’re winning the poll!
Laughing out loud and reading it all over again! Thank you.