Sadly, but fortunately for me, there was no shortage of heinous outfits at this year’s Australian Open. In fact, I had such a surfeit of possible nominees that I had to leave off Serena Williams:
When one-legged catsuits fail to make the cut, you know it’s going to be a good Face-off.
Nominee #1: Jessica Pegula
Pegula’s parents own the Buffalo Bills football team, so I’m guessing she really doesn’t need Adidas’s sponsorship money. Which means…she’s wearing this god-awful getup because she likes it?
Ha, ha. No, really, anyone know why a financially independent person with at least one working eyeball would agree to wear this? Did she lose a bet? Is she being blackmailed?
Nominee #2: Naomi Osaka
We’ve seen Osaka wear this catsuit-skirt combo before. The look is not growing on me. It’s so random, as the kids say nowadays.
And, okay, maybe it’s supposed to be. Maybe it’s anti-fashion. Maybe it’s edgy and arty and I’m just an old fart for not getting it.
But it doesn’t even look comfortable. What’s with all the torso strapping? It’s like a chastity belt for your boobs. (I had a mammogram earlier today. Boob constriction is on my mind.) How can this be a functional outfit for a top competitive athlete?
On the other hand, she did go home with the trophy, so what the hell do I know?
Nominee #3: Jennifer Brady
Many years ago, when I was just learning how to knit, a woman in my writers’ group had a baby. For a baby gift, I decided to make a little cardigan with my newly acquired skills. I chose the simplest pattern I could find. It was 100% basic knit stitch—no purling, no knitting-two-together, no yarn-overs, no cables. Nothing but knit.
When I was done, it looked like a little sweater. A square, blocky sweater in one color (purple) with no zipper, buttons or other means of closure. I was very proud.
I wrapped it up and brought it to the next writers’ group meeting. And the very first thing the new mom said when she opened the gift was, “Oh my god, you made this?!”
At first, I was gratified by her response. But on further reflection, I had to wonder whether it was really a compliment that she so quickly identified it as handmade.
Which brings us to Jennifer Brady’s dress.
I don’t own a sewing machine. My rudimentary sewing skills consist of threading needles and reattaching buttons.
That dress looks like something I could make.
It’s a sad sack of a dress. And it’s in an ugly shade of blue. I didn’t even know it was possible for blue to be ugly, did you? Asics must have had its crack research team working ‘round the clock to invent this muddled hue. We’ll call it Washed Up.
Jennifer Brady is a major talent and seems like an awfully nice person to boot. She deserved better than this for her first major final.
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